The art of balancing assertiveness, empathy, and negotiation is one aspect that I find difficult. Empathy scares me. The primary thing that comes to my mind when I think of compassion is putting myself in another person’s shoes. This seems a bit inauthentic if I’m not in the other person’s shoes. Even if the other person has ever put me in their shoes, my needs might differ from that of my counterpart. If we have not been in someone else’s shoes, how can we find a balance between empathy and assertiveness? How can this be authentic?
In Theory
Robert Mnookin from Harvard Law School is an excellent example of empathy. He defines empathy as trying to understand the point of view of your counterpart in a non-judgmental way. It is easy to create that balance when we can do that as negotiators.
The second aspect of assertiveness is often confused with aggressiveness. However, there are vast differences. Intensity means being confident and transparent in advocacy for your goals, needs, and perspectives. You can think of assertiveness as being clear and concise in your communication. This is a way to clearly and concisely communicate your request and intentions when you ask for it.
In Practice
These are just a few more steps you can take to improve your assertiveness and increase your empathy.
Be assertive by practicing your narrative before you go.
* Write down the things you desire.
* Write down your reasons for wanting this. Also, think about what it will do for your life.
* Write down the needs of the other person.
* Write down their needs and how you can assist them.
Here is an accessible template:
I am choosing/I want ______________, so that I (we) can _____________________. My counterparts’ needs are________________________. And one way I can help them meet those needs is________________________________.
When you feel confident about what you’ve written, you can practice uttering it aloud. You can practice saying it aloud until it is clear and confident.
Next, show empathy during a negotiation
* Always allow your counterpart to speak first. Ask them for their side before yours.
* Listen. Ask questions. Do not judge.
* Ask, “What else?” This will ensure that you have all the necessary information and no detail is missed.
* Repetition to ensure you fully understand their viewpoint.
* Clearly state that your understanding of their views doesn’t mean you agree.
A common pitfall is that negotiators who keep going about their way, thinking that repeating the same thing will somehow make the other person understand it better. Do not let this happen to you. Do not give lengthy, exaggerated explanations. Instead, take some time to think and ask clarifying questions. Then, you can clearly state your intent from a different angle.
You will need to be prepared and aware to follow these strategies. This will require you to slow down to clarify your intent. It is this clarity that will give you an advantage in negotiations.
